February Horoscopes

SAM PACKARD '08

Aquarius (January 20–February 18): Stay away from Tacquerias, they will be your downfall. Tuesdays will be your favorite day, but for unexpected reasons.

Pisces (February 19–March 20): Listen to the wind, it knows all. But don’t listen to those jerk clouds.

Aries (March 21–April 19): Try something new, stay in old habits. They have gotten you this far, don’t abandon them now.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Go to the Safari zone. Catch your phonetic namesake.

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Don’t let the news fool you. Eat as much E-Coli infested spinach as you can. You’re a Gemini. You’re Strong.

Cancer (June 22–July 22): You will discover new music; look out for funk rock.

Leo (July 23–August 22): OBEY MY DOG.

Virgo (August 23–September 22): I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel. Then they burned the wheel that night.

Libra (September 23–October 22): Visit a new neighborhood. Get all the dirt you can on that neighborhood. Start a turf war between your neighborhood and this new neighborhood.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21): This is a good month to go out and get some intellectual stimulation. Get curious.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): Eat Halloween themed items. Candy Corn, Oreos with orange frosting, etc. etc.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19): Get Heelys. NOW.